Post by eddieslipknot on Jul 3, 2019 23:33:58 GMT -5
Scene opens with Eddie sitting at a wooden table in his garage. His guitar and 24/7 Championship belt are laid delicately before him. A Limp Bizkit song is playing in the background.
Eddie: Hey. It's me. Eddie. The most metal man in the biz. If you're listening to this, you've probably already heard the news: I'm making my big debut in a tables match at BWF:UWSDWB. And you're probably thinking, "Wow, this guy might be in over his head. He's got some tough opponents." If you're thinking that, shut the fuck up, because I am going to run down each and every one of these clowns I'm going to be mopping the ring with.
Number one, we have the walking ball of lard known colloquially as Coach Jimbo. How fitting this is a table match- jackass probably spends 98% of his time at the dinner table. I mean, Jesus, he looks like the kind of guy my mom would go on a date with. It's truly amazing how much weight one person can gain in 30 years. When do you think is the last time he saw his penis? Unless he plans on eating me, I don't see how he's much of a threat.
Next, we have Dillon the Villain. C'mon. That sounds like the name my dumbass 7-year-old cousin would come up with if I asked him what his wrestler ring name would be. This guy probably listens to K-Pop or some gay shit. Rest assured he's going ass-first through a table. What a joker.
Finally, I'm going to be facing Taboo. It's really depressing when your biggest opponent is a guy who actually likes getting beaten. I'll try to avoid putting any chokeholds on him - I don't want to make anyone clean up after him if he has an accident. I might not even have to face the guy: knowing him, he's probably his own worst enemy. Hell, there's a reason I found him knocked out on the side of the road.
I feel like I have to address some critics and nonbelievers in the crowd - you think I would've gotten this 24/7 championship title if I wasn't a major threat in the ring? Sure, I haven't officially had a match, and sure, I won it from someone who was unconscious, but that's not really the point. This is just my first of many titles in the BWF. Once I win this match, I better get my title shot against Olaf the Softdick Halfwit. I'm going to be the number one guy in this fed, whether the fascist promoters want it or not.
Also, mom, if you're watching this, if you pack me the cheese pizza Lunchable without the pepperoni one more goddamn time, I swear to Christ, you're going to be the fourth person I put through a table.
End scene.
Eddie: Hey. It's me. Eddie. The most metal man in the biz. If you're listening to this, you've probably already heard the news: I'm making my big debut in a tables match at BWF:UWSDWB. And you're probably thinking, "Wow, this guy might be in over his head. He's got some tough opponents." If you're thinking that, shut the fuck up, because I am going to run down each and every one of these clowns I'm going to be mopping the ring with.
Number one, we have the walking ball of lard known colloquially as Coach Jimbo. How fitting this is a table match- jackass probably spends 98% of his time at the dinner table. I mean, Jesus, he looks like the kind of guy my mom would go on a date with. It's truly amazing how much weight one person can gain in 30 years. When do you think is the last time he saw his penis? Unless he plans on eating me, I don't see how he's much of a threat.
Next, we have Dillon the Villain. C'mon. That sounds like the name my dumbass 7-year-old cousin would come up with if I asked him what his wrestler ring name would be. This guy probably listens to K-Pop or some gay shit. Rest assured he's going ass-first through a table. What a joker.
Finally, I'm going to be facing Taboo. It's really depressing when your biggest opponent is a guy who actually likes getting beaten. I'll try to avoid putting any chokeholds on him - I don't want to make anyone clean up after him if he has an accident. I might not even have to face the guy: knowing him, he's probably his own worst enemy. Hell, there's a reason I found him knocked out on the side of the road.
I feel like I have to address some critics and nonbelievers in the crowd - you think I would've gotten this 24/7 championship title if I wasn't a major threat in the ring? Sure, I haven't officially had a match, and sure, I won it from someone who was unconscious, but that's not really the point. This is just my first of many titles in the BWF. Once I win this match, I better get my title shot against Olaf the Softdick Halfwit. I'm going to be the number one guy in this fed, whether the fascist promoters want it or not.
Also, mom, if you're watching this, if you pack me the cheese pizza Lunchable without the pepperoni one more goddamn time, I swear to Christ, you're going to be the fourth person I put through a table.
End scene.