Post by TinderMahal on Jul 7, 2019 12:24:29 GMT -5
*** Scene opens as in the local jail. The camera slowly pans up from the ground to a dark, dank jail cell holding what appears to be a coming-of-middle-aged Indian man who for the first time, is draped in orange jail garb instead of his standard gold outfit.
*** Up and down motions are seen coming from Tinder's right hand and arm. The camera man appears hesitant to get any closer to the cell.
*** The sudden sound of something hitting the floor is heard.
Tinder: Son bitch... I dropped my nail file.
*** You can hear the camera man drop a sigh of relief as he gets closer to the cell and turns the camera light on.
Tinder: Hey! Careful with that light. It's like i've been living in the dark for a week. Being punished. I AM A MARTYR. Conditions here are worse than that of a Punjabi Prison! Someone needs to call Johnnie Cochran for me, because my lawyer won't pick up! That stupid chi-chi-fie shouldn't even have a phone!
*** Tinder reaches down to pick up his nail file and almost falls over
Tinder: I'm feeling a bit woozy. I wonder if one of these mall cops would be gentlemen enough to bring me some water.
Tinder: Excuse me! Officer! Paul Blart! I am in need of some assistaaaaaaaaaaaaaance.
*** A guard is heard off camera shouting
Guard: WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY WANT NOW, YOU RAG WEARING TART!?
Tinder: You can cut the sass there Reno 911. I am in need of some La Croix, preferably cold without ice, but I suppose I can have ice if this garbage facility must provide it.
*** Guard walks straight up to the cell and slams his nightstick in between the cell bars threateningly
Guard: What the hell did you just call me you god damn hadji?!
*** The camera pans quickly to Tinder's face which now is lit up with a giant smirk, mustache from ear to ear.
Tinder: **Giggles***
*** Tinder is seen leaping forward and grabbing onto the Guard's nightstick with his thighs. Placing his hands on it like he is holding his penis.
Tinder: OHHHHHHOOOOOOOO WOOOHOOOOO I bet you like that, don't you Mr. Stallion? Ride 'em Cowboy! YEEEEHAAAWWWW
*** Tinder yanks the nightstick out of the guards hands and swiftly cracks the night stick down in between the bars directly into the guards face.
Tinder: I call that one the PRISON RAPE! HEHEHEHEHEHE
*** Tinder drops the nightstick back between the bars
Guard: What the fuck?! Boy, when I get a hold of you I promise i'll have you squealing like a pig.
Tinder (giddily): Ohhhh will you know boy in blue? Us desi boys are always hard. Unfortunately, swine are not respected in my culture.
*** Tinder reaches through the bars and pulls the camera in, almost close enough to smell his sweaty mustache.
Tinder: Oh, poor Olaf. I was informed about what those bad baaaaad boys did to you. Police brutality is no laughing matter, son...
Tinder: What was a laughing matter was the way your mom was on her hands and knees last night, you homeless reprobate. I spit on people like you!
Tinder: You got off easy last time, Hobo boy. This time i'm taking you under that bridge and giving you the spanking of your life!
*** Tinder backs up and falls on to his cot, seemingly out of breath. He looks down at the floor and sees the nail file and grasps it in his hands again.
Tinder: Hmmm... I bet I could file down these bars and make my grand escape! They better not have wrinkled my clothes, lost my keys, or pissed in my car seat.
*** Tinder leaps towards the bars, laughing maniacally as he attempts to file down the bars with a small nail file.
Tinder: It's only a matter of time before I bust out of here and then i'm coming for you like hot chili peppers on tandoori curry! I'm gonna light that ass up like a candle, baaaaaaaaby.
Tinder: I can promise one thing, when I break out of this County jail and murder Olaf, like many other inmates have done in the past, I will be the NEW City Champion. I will take this belt back to my home country, greatest country, smartest country of India and I will be the pride of my people! And you... Olaf. You will be left here in a pile of your own shit. Just like the camel that you are!
*** The sound of jail alarms ring as Tinder looks worried. The last scene is Tinder slowly sliding under his cot into the darkness to hide from the impending beating he is about to receive from the overweight donut boys of the County jail. Faint whispers of reassurance and crying is heard as the camera fades to black.
*** Up and down motions are seen coming from Tinder's right hand and arm. The camera man appears hesitant to get any closer to the cell.
*** The sudden sound of something hitting the floor is heard.
Tinder: Son bitch... I dropped my nail file.
*** You can hear the camera man drop a sigh of relief as he gets closer to the cell and turns the camera light on.
Tinder: Hey! Careful with that light. It's like i've been living in the dark for a week. Being punished. I AM A MARTYR. Conditions here are worse than that of a Punjabi Prison! Someone needs to call Johnnie Cochran for me, because my lawyer won't pick up! That stupid chi-chi-fie shouldn't even have a phone!
*** Tinder reaches down to pick up his nail file and almost falls over
Tinder: I'm feeling a bit woozy. I wonder if one of these mall cops would be gentlemen enough to bring me some water.
Tinder: Excuse me! Officer! Paul Blart! I am in need of some assistaaaaaaaaaaaaaance.
*** A guard is heard off camera shouting
Guard: WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY WANT NOW, YOU RAG WEARING TART!?
Tinder: You can cut the sass there Reno 911. I am in need of some La Croix, preferably cold without ice, but I suppose I can have ice if this garbage facility must provide it.
*** Guard walks straight up to the cell and slams his nightstick in between the cell bars threateningly
Guard: What the hell did you just call me you god damn hadji?!
*** The camera pans quickly to Tinder's face which now is lit up with a giant smirk, mustache from ear to ear.
Tinder: **Giggles***
*** Tinder is seen leaping forward and grabbing onto the Guard's nightstick with his thighs. Placing his hands on it like he is holding his penis.
Tinder: OHHHHHHOOOOOOOO WOOOHOOOOO I bet you like that, don't you Mr. Stallion? Ride 'em Cowboy! YEEEEHAAAWWWW
*** Tinder yanks the nightstick out of the guards hands and swiftly cracks the night stick down in between the bars directly into the guards face.
Tinder: I call that one the PRISON RAPE! HEHEHEHEHEHE
*** Tinder drops the nightstick back between the bars
Guard: What the fuck?! Boy, when I get a hold of you I promise i'll have you squealing like a pig.
Tinder (giddily): Ohhhh will you know boy in blue? Us desi boys are always hard. Unfortunately, swine are not respected in my culture.
*** Tinder reaches through the bars and pulls the camera in, almost close enough to smell his sweaty mustache.
Tinder: Oh, poor Olaf. I was informed about what those bad baaaaad boys did to you. Police brutality is no laughing matter, son...
Tinder: What was a laughing matter was the way your mom was on her hands and knees last night, you homeless reprobate. I spit on people like you!
Tinder: You got off easy last time, Hobo boy. This time i'm taking you under that bridge and giving you the spanking of your life!
*** Tinder backs up and falls on to his cot, seemingly out of breath. He looks down at the floor and sees the nail file and grasps it in his hands again.
Tinder: Hmmm... I bet I could file down these bars and make my grand escape! They better not have wrinkled my clothes, lost my keys, or pissed in my car seat.
*** Tinder leaps towards the bars, laughing maniacally as he attempts to file down the bars with a small nail file.
Tinder: It's only a matter of time before I bust out of here and then i'm coming for you like hot chili peppers on tandoori curry! I'm gonna light that ass up like a candle, baaaaaaaaby.
Tinder: I can promise one thing, when I break out of this County jail and murder Olaf, like many other inmates have done in the past, I will be the NEW City Champion. I will take this belt back to my home country, greatest country, smartest country of India and I will be the pride of my people! And you... Olaf. You will be left here in a pile of your own shit. Just like the camel that you are!
*** The sound of jail alarms ring as Tinder looks worried. The last scene is Tinder slowly sliding under his cot into the darkness to hide from the impending beating he is about to receive from the overweight donut boys of the County jail. Faint whispers of reassurance and crying is heard as the camera fades to black.